Liquid Diets Suck

I've been trying to explain the difficulties of having my mouth wired shut. Yes, your speech is mumbled and and it feels like someone hooked up a pair a pliers to your teeth and is yanking with all the force of an F5 tornado when you yawn, cough, or sneeze. I can overcome these things. The most troubling part is my repeated comical attempts to get enough nutrition into my system.

Following surgery, getting enough calories and protein is essential for a quick recovery. However, it's difficult to consume enough calories when you can't open your mouth and everything must be sucked in through a straw. Forget about steak and lobster. Heck, forgot about minestrone soup. All you have to work with is the opening between your teeth that won't even allow the strawberry seeds from a smoothie to pass through. It's pretty much juices, milk, and whatever will dissolve in them. (By the way, despite what they tell you at Whole Foods, all protein powders are disgusting.)

Tonight, I attempted to overcome my calorie and protein deficient diet through some ingenuity. Armed with 2 hard boiled eggs, chicken broth, sea salt, a microwave, a blender, and a strainer, I set about satisfying my continually growling stomach. I heated the broth and dumped the eggs and salt into the blender. After a minute or two in the blender, I poured the admittedly disgusting looking liquid through a strainer. No dice. Most of the egg particles clogged up the strainer. I did my best to get whatever would pass through the strainer into a soup bowl.

Next came the pathetic step of sucking this unappetizing concoction through a straw. (This is not something you want to try on a first date.) I regret to report that my stomach is still growling and that most of the hard boil eggs are in the strainer. I guess it's back to soy milk and protein powders.

I don't recommend fracturing your jaw to anyone. The consequences suck.