Liquid Diets Suck

I've been trying to explain the difficulties of having my mouth wired shut. Yes, your speech is mumbled and and it feels like someone hooked up a pair a pliers to your teeth and is yanking with all the force of an F5 tornado when you yawn, cough, or sneeze. I can overcome these things. The most troubling part is my repeated comical attempts to get enough nutrition into my system.

Following surgery, getting enough calories and protein is essential for a quick recovery. However, it's difficult to consume enough calories when you can't open your mouth and everything must be sucked in through a straw. Forget about steak and lobster. Heck, forgot about minestrone soup. All you have to work with is the opening between your teeth that won't even allow the strawberry seeds from a smoothie to pass through. It's pretty much juices, milk, and whatever will dissolve in them. (By the way, despite what they tell you at Whole Foods, all protein powders are disgusting.)

Tonight, I attempted to overcome my calorie and protein deficient diet through some ingenuity. Armed with 2 hard boiled eggs, chicken broth, sea salt, a microwave, a blender, and a strainer, I set about satisfying my continually growling stomach. I heated the broth and dumped the eggs and salt into the blender. After a minute or two in the blender, I poured the admittedly disgusting looking liquid through a strainer. No dice. Most of the egg particles clogged up the strainer. I did my best to get whatever would pass through the strainer into a soup bowl.

Next came the pathetic step of sucking this unappetizing concoction through a straw. (This is not something you want to try on a first date.) I regret to report that my stomach is still growling and that most of the hard boil eggs are in the strainer. I guess it's back to soy milk and protein powders.

I don't recommend fracturing your jaw to anyone. The consequences suck.

How To Avoid Jury Duty

Two days before you're scheduled to appear for your jury summons, go to your softball game. Then while playing second base, stop a one-hopper destined for the fence with your jaw. After you've spit out streams of blood and verified that your teeth are in place, go back in and finish the inning.

Next, drive yourself home to pick up your insurance card and head to the emergency room. There, X-rays and CAT scans will reveal that you have broken your jaw in two places. When the on-call oral surgeon arrives, he informs you about anaesthesia, metal plates, screws, and wiring your mouth shut. While discussing these options, be sure to ask for a doctor's note to get out of jury duty. That's a perk for giving the hospital tens of thousands of dollars worth of business.

The next morning, while feeding yourself with an oral syringe with an IV in your arm and your mouth wired shut



take a call from the court house. They will inform you that the parties have agreed to settle. Done: you are now released from jury duty.

Chalk One Up to Lupica

From Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News:

Now this week it comes out from Rev. Tim that, lo and behold, Rev. Ted [Haggard] is "completely heterosexual."

Now I'm no ministering counselor, but in light of the facts, wouldn't this be like somebody trying to suggest that Yao Ming is completely short?

Google Analytics

My latest obsession is Google Analytics. (Kudos to Busey for pointing me to this free service.) In an effort to sell more ads, Google provides all the functionality from Urchin for free. I check the stats for this blog more often than there are visitors. Sad, but true. The one advantage of having such small traffic numbers is that I deduce which family members and friends have read my posts recently.

Which Celebrity Do You Most Resemble?

If you ever wanted to know which celebrity you most resemble, now you can. Simply visit this facial recognition application and upload a recent photo. I uploaded the picture you see to the right and here were the results:

Christian Bautista, 75%
Johnny Depp, 75%
Christopher Lambert, 71%
Richard Stallman, 66%
Haley Joel Osment, 64%

Richard Stallman? WTF.

(Gadget) Lust

Funny, geeky, and easy on the eyes, Veronica Belmont is my latest crush. Oh yeah, I'd also like to have the iRiver Clix in the video.