Not Fair

Where else but sitcoms would fat and ugly men have hot wives? Ray Romano with Patricia Heaton. Jim Belushi with Courtney Thorne-Smith. And at the top of the list, Kevin James with Leah Remini. Come on, networks, that's just not fair.

Something to Laugh At

This eBay invoice just cracks me up:

Inv #  Title              Qty Price
------ ------------------- -- ------
201922 AXIM X30 STYLUS     1  $ 0.24
202407 AXIM X30 9V Charger 1  $ 0.75

                    Subtotal: $ 0.99
         Shipping & Handling: $ 9.98
                       Total: $10.97

As a percentage, the shipping and handling was 91% of the total. Just lovely. This shipping rate represents a discount, as I combined two items in one shipment.

Justice

While consuming a toasted sandwich at Subway, I celebrated as a fat and lazy American was cited for parking illegally in a handicap spot. This crime is one of the most inexcusable injustices in the world. Is 100 feet that far to walk?

Most Pitied $20M/Year Athlete

Chris Webber has been one of my favorite basketball players since his days with the Fab Five at Michigan. It's a shame to see him on the tail-end of his NBA career without a championship. The never-shy Jason Whitlock summarizes the missed potential that is quintessential C-Webb:

Chris Webber had the potential to become the best power forward the game has ever seen. He could've been as reliable in the low post as Kevin McHale, as consistent and relentless as The Mailman, as immovable as Wes Unseld. He could've been a terrific last line of defense.

Instead, C-Webb focused on redefining the position. C-Webb wanted to do a little bit of everything -- shoot the 3, lead the break, dish the ball behind his back and avoid the daily bump and grind of typical low-post play.

Consequently, Whitlock argues, Webber will be forgotten soon after his playing days. What a waste of athletic and intellectual gifts.

Just Bad Marketing

The following "code" fragment comes from dice.com, a technical recruiting company. Any software developer worth a grain of salt will recognize its stupidity.

if(threshold = salary_sucks) {
 goto = dice.com();
     } else {
        suck.it.up;
     }
end

First off, this isn't VB, so you need == for the comparison operator. Then there's the goto statement. Its presence is offensive enough, but to have the nerve to assign a function return value to it? The else statement would be OK if it were aligned correctly. What is the purpose of suck.it.up? At best, this is retrieving a property of a property on the suck object. Even so, the statement does nothing. What not make it a method invocation, like suck.it.up()? Finally, there's the end statement. What the hell is it ending?

So, Mr. or Ms. Marketer who dreamed up this ad, you suck. All you've done is caused a technical person to laugh at your incompetence.

Bluetooth in the Mainstream

While walking downtown, I spotted Leslie, the local eccentric, on Congress Ave. With the warm weather came his bikini bottom. Normally, the sight of a cross-dressing bearded homeless man parading through the center of the city draws attention. That's not the case with Austin. People go about their daily activities without continuously gawking at him.

What struck me this afternoon was that Leslie was sporting a bluetooth headset. Instantly, questions popped into my mind. Where does a homeless man receive his mail? Perhaps he has a PO Box. OK. Where does he charge his phone? Surely his cardboard box doesn't contain a generator. Finally, why doesn't my phone have bluetooth?

Buyer's Remorse

I bought a watch to track my time around Town Lake - not so much for its timing features, but for its solar powered recharging capability and auto-illumination feature. I know, overkill. Not to worry, as the watch is headed back to Target tomorrow. It won't be long before I abandon this attempt at marathon training. And heck, everyone knows I don't have to be anywhere at a specific time. What was I thinking?

Costa Rica

Watch out, Costa Ricans, I'm headed your way. Armed with useful phrases such as, "Me encantan tus tetas," I should charm the natives. That, or get my ass kicked. Now I need to get into hiking shape and brush up on my Spanish.

Why You Shouldn't Start an Internet Romance

"Here's an odd story from Jordan -- the country, not the former NBA great. A man and a woman began an illicit romance in an Internet chat that became so heated that they decided to make wedding plans. When they finally met in person, however, they realized they were already married ... to each other. Yes, you've heard the lower-tech version of this story before in Rupert Holmes' Escape (The Pina Colada Song), but unfortunately the real-life remake did not end as well. It sounds like they'll be getting caught in the rain alone from now on."

Freedom

Of all places, my neighborhood newsletter contained a thought-provoking piece on freedom. When interviewed, a group of Mexican immigrants preferred the economic freedom of Mexico over the civil liberties of America. In their home country, they could swim, play, and eat at little to no cost. Here, the skyrocketing costs of everyday life make free speech and the right to vote luxuries reserved for the wealthy.