How To Avoid Jury Duty

Two days before you're scheduled to appear for your jury summons, go to your softball game. Then while playing second base, stop a one-hopper destined for the fence with your jaw. After you've spit out streams of blood and verified that your teeth are in place, go back in and finish the inning.

Next, drive yourself home to pick up your insurance card and head to the emergency room. There, X-rays and CAT scans will reveal that you have broken your jaw in two places. When the on-call oral surgeon arrives, he informs you about anaesthesia, metal plates, screws, and wiring your mouth shut. While discussing these options, be sure to ask for a doctor's note to get out of jury duty. That's a perk for giving the hospital tens of thousands of dollars worth of business.

The next morning, while feeding yourself with an oral syringe with an IV in your arm and your mouth wired shut



take a call from the court house. They will inform you that the parties have agreed to settle. Done: you are now released from jury duty.