Chick Repellent

These t-shirts may be a bigger chick repellent than unicycles.

Curvaceous Contortionist

I saw Varekai, my first Cirque du Soleil show, on Saturday. While the acrobatics and death-defying acts were spectacular, nothing mesmerized me like the curvaceous contortionist. Oh my. She was far from the 50 lb. 10 year-old looking girl I was expecting. It felt like the scene in From Dusk Till Dawn when Salma Hayek's character conducted her entrancing dance.

What's the Point?

I spotted two unicyclists today and wondered, "What a fucking waste of time!" Why would anyone take up this activity? Unicycles are a worthless form of transportation. And with the exception of fanny packs, nothing screams, "I've never gotten laid" louder than riding a unicycle.

New Diet

After reading Fast Food Nation, I took a full year off from McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, and their competition. Now having watched Super Size Me, I may give up fast food entirely. The health risks, depression, and addictive nature of sugars and processed foods are strong deterrents. However, the fear of joining the 66% of American adults who are overweight will keep me on the side of healthy foods and exercise.

Harold and Kumar

One of my favorite movies is now Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. This flick is hysterical. Complete with immaturity, racial jokes, boobies, Princeton, boobies at Princeton, Doogie Howser, and redemption for the browbeaten yellow man, this DVD will make its way into my collection. I haven't been this impressed with a film since White Men Can't Jump.

Not Fair

Where else but sitcoms would fat and ugly men have hot wives? Ray Romano with Patricia Heaton. Jim Belushi with Courtney Thorne-Smith. And at the top of the list, Kevin James with Leah Remini. Come on, networks, that's just not fair.

Something to Laugh At

This eBay invoice just cracks me up:

Inv #  Title              Qty Price
------ ------------------- -- ------
201922 AXIM X30 STYLUS     1  $ 0.24
202407 AXIM X30 9V Charger 1  $ 0.75

                    Subtotal: $ 0.99
         Shipping & Handling: $ 9.98
                       Total: $10.97

As a percentage, the shipping and handling was 91% of the total. Just lovely. This shipping rate represents a discount, as I combined two items in one shipment.

Justice

While consuming a toasted sandwich at Subway, I celebrated as a fat and lazy American was cited for parking illegally in a handicap spot. This crime is one of the most inexcusable injustices in the world. Is 100 feet that far to walk?

Most Pitied $20M/Year Athlete

Chris Webber has been one of my favorite basketball players since his days with the Fab Five at Michigan. It's a shame to see him on the tail-end of his NBA career without a championship. The never-shy Jason Whitlock summarizes the missed potential that is quintessential C-Webb:

Chris Webber had the potential to become the best power forward the game has ever seen. He could've been as reliable in the low post as Kevin McHale, as consistent and relentless as The Mailman, as immovable as Wes Unseld. He could've been a terrific last line of defense.

Instead, C-Webb focused on redefining the position. C-Webb wanted to do a little bit of everything -- shoot the 3, lead the break, dish the ball behind his back and avoid the daily bump and grind of typical low-post play.

Consequently, Whitlock argues, Webber will be forgotten soon after his playing days. What a waste of athletic and intellectual gifts.

Just Bad Marketing

The following "code" fragment comes from dice.com, a technical recruiting company. Any software developer worth a grain of salt will recognize its stupidity.

if(threshold = salary_sucks) {
 goto = dice.com();
     } else {
        suck.it.up;
     }
end

First off, this isn't VB, so you need == for the comparison operator. Then there's the goto statement. Its presence is offensive enough, but to have the nerve to assign a function return value to it? The else statement would be OK if it were aligned correctly. What is the purpose of suck.it.up? At best, this is retrieving a property of a property on the suck object. Even so, the statement does nothing. What not make it a method invocation, like suck.it.up()? Finally, there's the end statement. What the hell is it ending?

So, Mr. or Ms. Marketer who dreamed up this ad, you suck. All you've done is caused a technical person to laugh at your incompetence.